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ergo

by NineForteen

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my eyesight still fails me sometimes—but i think the trees are budding now...and under skies of purple and down streets of backyard campfires, petrichor, soil, gasoline, where it all becomes one whole serendipitous fragrance and the grass returns to green, it feels like spring

today is the shadow of tomorrow, tomorrow is the shadow of the next day, and so we live in a permanent state of historical privation letting no light through, until death, hence "the light at the end of the tunnel", "im seeing the light", but until then it all belongs to the past...death anxiety is actually us stumbling in this dark aware of our incompletion and the cosmos's uncaring disregard, its just disorientation

i "walked" (mostly randomly strolled in the vague direction of my destination there and home back), saw some really beautiful things, took some photos. there was a girl at 7-11 with a dean blunt soul on fire hoodie and i complimented her on it, i realized im a vessel

considering i dont possess the capacity for hate i probably dont possess the capacity for love either and most of what ive said about the people in my life or any of the art i enjoy is a total farce. bummer!!!!!!! (not that hate/love are diametrically opposed but rather the passion of hate is often congruent with the passion of love) i need to walk around the earth until my legs undergo petrifaction im just a vessel just like kevin gates

hate when i post a song and someone replies "love these guys!" or some variation thereof, because im shoved into a discursive corner; to reply back "me too" would be redundant, i wouldnt have posted the song in the first place if i didnt...but i cant say "theyre good either" because to assert some work of art is good implicitly asserts objectivity, which would be wrong. sure, I think its good, but its also not good, its bad, but its also not bad, and all these are equally true. such a convoluted, emotional swamp! so what else is there left to say? nothing that would feel right...i could say "its bad", but i wouldnt because i dont dislike the music in question and it also falls into that latter category...so i just withdraw if i can, and usually i can online as its merely text and people drop out online all the time that me dropping out out of social withdrawal would be indistinguishable from other conditions. so im thankful (to whom remains a matter of inquiry...i suppose that is what hope is, a thankfulness towards no particular subject, although i dont know if i actually hold the capacity for hope! im just a vessel...) that it hasnt happened yet irl, because theres no mere walking-away there that isnt disrespectful, but i would also like to act accordingly to my true self, to my deeply instilled principles and feelings. of course this is the case with most irl interactions. i suppose its because i dont interact with anyone outside of my immediate family much out of debilitating social anxiety but to act like that irl would cause great trouble to both parties...but online its nice, online its far easier to talk to strangers, and everyones playing a character to begin with (so perhaps it would be fun to say "its bad" if im in the mood for such play), i like online

my daydreams can be so vivid and enrapturing that i involuntarily respond accordingly to the events in them irl

grief permeates everything like water soaks a cloth

everybody hates me and wants me to die, little do they know that someday i will die, just not today, no not for a while

ive had such a deeply turbulent life for someone who's essentially a ghost, although maybe that is why it's so turbulent, for if i took the reins of life instead of being an observer whom things just happen to, i would also have authority over the rate and density of eventsbut i can't seem to figure out how to do that. so be it!

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released May 1, 2022

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NineForteen Lethbridge, Alberta

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